Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thanks for opening my eyes...

So we just finished watching the Michael Jackson memorial service. I couldn't imagine a pair of eyes watching it without crying anywhere in the world. It was as if a family member was lying in that casket...and I'm sure many people felt that way.
But while watching it, something stirred within me...and I became more uncomfortable as it rose higher and higher until it was building at the back of my throat. It was an epiphany....it almost felt like an exorcism. A feeling that I need to examine myself and my own life...and I seriously need to change my attitude. After hearing about MJs life and his compassion and his love, in spite of all the hardship he faced...and I mean stuff you and I couldnt even IMAGINE having to deal with...this one man pushed forth and still managed to love and exude kindness and NOT BECOME JADED... I felt increasingly remorseful and repentent. There is so much we could learn from MJs life...and I mean as a human being. The kind of man he was. No matter what was thrown his way...and let's be honest, the world DOGGED him out, dragged him through the muck and mire....and yet, he remained pure and vulnerable and willing to give his all to us....strangers who claimed to love him, many of which crucified him in return for all his contributions. He still remained meek in spirit. What bravery!
As I sat there watching the program through my tears, I was seeing the deterioration of my own character flash right before my eyes and I grew more and more ashamed. How did I get like this? So young and so bitter? So jaded? So distrustful? So scared? What happened? Whatever happened couldnt have possibly been anywhere near the trials MJ faced. So why shouldn't I be able to endure? Why can't I let go of past hurts and betrayals, real or perceived? Why am I still so afraid? It made me really sad. I carry around with me such a dark spirit...quick to anger, always suspicious of the next person, always doubting, not seeing the good in people, not seeing the good in myself...always expecting the worst so that I won't get hurt. See what good that attitude has done me! My life as of late has been negative because I've chosen to focus on the negative in everything....even in myself. I'm exhausted with this negativity... I'm worn out and I want to reclaim my life. I want to see the good all around me. I want to be able to share myself with people openly and honestly. I'm tired of carrying around all this armor and brandishing this sword. I dont want to live like that anymore. I want to carry with me the same childlike wonder and compassion that MJ had. I'm sick of hiding in this shell and watching my back at all times. I want my creativity to flourish and flow out of me. I want to reach people and connect with people.
It's hard to know even where to start. But I'm very humbled right now.
I feel honored to have lived to witness the life of Michael Jackson...even just for 28 years.

Stevie Wonder's performance was so moving...and I'm glad Al Sharpton put all the haters in their place! I was especially glad when he told MJs 3 kids "there was nothing strange about your daddy, it was strange what he had to deal with". Isn't that the truth!! I was also glad to hear little Paris speak about her father and say "he was the best father u could ever imagine." It ripped my heart out. Anyway, the whole service was very moving and I'm still really sad. But I hope to make some changes in my own life...do some healing I've needed for a long long time. And ultimately, live a better life.
That's how I'd like to honor MJs memory.

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