Unraveling

I hate today. I had a plan to whip out all the fancy yarn I broke bank on yesterday and start putting together my piece for my website photos.



I was feeling all creative and excited. I forgot that I needed to wind the yarn hanks into balls so I did that. It's common for the yarn to get a little tangled, but it's not a big deal.



Then I got to my final hank of yarn. The most expensive of the batch. Of course, it totally tangled up...like completely KNOTTED. I spent 3 hours crying and trying to undo it, but to no avail. It just got worse and worse. And the part that I'd managed to unravel looked all fuzzy and ruined anyway from all the tugging and picking.



I'm CRUSHED. I have no choice but to cut it and make smaller balls, which isn't the worse thing in the world. But STILL...Im totally depressed about it. I can't even look at it right now, I'm so disappointed. So instead, I'm gonna drink some wine and watch "Queen of Housewives." Oh Ji Ho will make it all better!!!

Dirty Laundry Pop

I find it really annoying when "musicians" use their supposed art to play out their petty personal drama. For example, the latest battle between Mariah Carey and Eminem. I just finished watching MC's video for her song "Obsessed":



Why even release this to the public? I like how she acts like it's no big deal and she's above it all...and yet she's just written, recorded, performed and filmed a video for something she pretends is so trivial. As much as I used to adore MC (and still do, just out of loyalty), I think she's proven herself to be just as obsessed as her accused. If you really don't care...then how about you spare your true fans this useless song that was clearly written for and intended to be seen by one person. You coulda sent Eminem a DVD of this nonsense and called it a day.

It's further infuriating, because MC is a huge vocal talent. But you would never know it listening to this song, with the way she's just rambling on - and everything is drenched in auto-tune anyway. MC is the last singer who needs to fool with that! It pains me to see her engage in such silly pop tart antics.

Is this even the same person??



Hot damn, I loved her back in the day.
Look, I don't wanna bash the woman too much...Eminem, of course, is just as corny.
But MC used to be a sort of role model of mine, so I guess I've always held her up to a higher standard.



...Dear Mariah, I need you to please pull it together. You're better than this.

YouTube leaves no stone unturned

In 2003, I appeared on a talent competition on ABC called "All American Girl"...it was like a sister show to American Idol, same production company and everything, led by Nigel Lythgoe. The only difference was all the contestants were female and we had to do a little bit of everything, not just singing. This gave us many more opportunities to suck. The format was the same - celebrity judges served as mentors (Ginger Spice, John Salley, Suzanne de Passe) and the public voted a girl off each week. Long ago, I had hoped to take this to my grave, but luckily...I've grown up and am totally comfortable poking fun at myself. Besides, the experience was pretty rad. The show was lots of fun and I'm kinda bummed I dont have any footage from it now....but someone found this on YouTube and I nearly spit my spaghettiOs. Maybe I'll talk about it more at a later date...oh the STORIES...but I'm just not ready to go there yet, haha...but once I saw this I thought I should at least share it. This was the opening performance of the very first live show. We did "Hold On" by EnVogue (dunno who decided on that)...and boy oh boy, it is a masterpiece of bad dancing & vocal FAIL.

ENJOY



...things DID get better as the weeks went on, haha.

I do have fond memories of this show and all the people I met...of course, I feel very fortunate to have been a part of the program - we got to work with some really cool people (like Carrie Ann Inaba and Mandy Moore...those poor ladies had their work cut out for them with some of those chicks, let me tell you). Anyway, it was a great opportunity and I was glad I stayed on through the entire season. It's definitely what opened the door for me to get to LA after I graduated.

Once upon a time, one of the other contestants from the show (Ashley) and I discussed getting together and doing a DVD with commentary for the entire series. I'm thinking we should resurrect that idea. It would be hilarious.

Lightening Overload

Okay...this sucks. Its my last day at the beach and I probably wont even get to go out there... It's been storming for the last few days and today I think this area has seen record lightening strikes. A tourist was actually killed by lightening today on the beach. Not a good advertisement for beach fun.

Thanks for opening my eyes...

So we just finished watching the Michael Jackson memorial service. I couldn't imagine a pair of eyes watching it without crying anywhere in the world. It was as if a family member was lying in that casket...and I'm sure many people felt that way.
But while watching it, something stirred within me...and I became more uncomfortable as it rose higher and higher until it was building at the back of my throat. It was an epiphany....it almost felt like an exorcism. A feeling that I need to examine myself and my own life...and I seriously need to change my attitude. After hearing about MJs life and his compassion and his love, in spite of all the hardship he faced...and I mean stuff you and I couldnt even IMAGINE having to deal with...this one man pushed forth and still managed to love and exude kindness and NOT BECOME JADED... I felt increasingly remorseful and repentent. There is so much we could learn from MJs life...and I mean as a human being. The kind of man he was. No matter what was thrown his way...and let's be honest, the world DOGGED him out, dragged him through the muck and mire....and yet, he remained pure and vulnerable and willing to give his all to us....strangers who claimed to love him, many of which crucified him in return for all his contributions. He still remained meek in spirit. What bravery!
As I sat there watching the program through my tears, I was seeing the deterioration of my own character flash right before my eyes and I grew more and more ashamed. How did I get like this? So young and so bitter? So jaded? So distrustful? So scared? What happened? Whatever happened couldnt have possibly been anywhere near the trials MJ faced. So why shouldn't I be able to endure? Why can't I let go of past hurts and betrayals, real or perceived? Why am I still so afraid? It made me really sad. I carry around with me such a dark spirit...quick to anger, always suspicious of the next person, always doubting, not seeing the good in people, not seeing the good in myself...always expecting the worst so that I won't get hurt. See what good that attitude has done me! My life as of late has been negative because I've chosen to focus on the negative in everything....even in myself. I'm exhausted with this negativity... I'm worn out and I want to reclaim my life. I want to see the good all around me. I want to be able to share myself with people openly and honestly. I'm tired of carrying around all this armor and brandishing this sword. I dont want to live like that anymore. I want to carry with me the same childlike wonder and compassion that MJ had. I'm sick of hiding in this shell and watching my back at all times. I want my creativity to flourish and flow out of me. I want to reach people and connect with people.
It's hard to know even where to start. But I'm very humbled right now.
I feel honored to have lived to witness the life of Michael Jackson...even just for 28 years.

Stevie Wonder's performance was so moving...and I'm glad Al Sharpton put all the haters in their place! I was especially glad when he told MJs 3 kids "there was nothing strange about your daddy, it was strange what he had to deal with". Isn't that the truth!! I was also glad to hear little Paris speak about her father and say "he was the best father u could ever imagine." It ripped my heart out. Anyway, the whole service was very moving and I'm still really sad. But I hope to make some changes in my own life...do some healing I've needed for a long long time. And ultimately, live a better life.
That's how I'd like to honor MJs memory.

Looking for Inspiration

Im trying to decide what sort of makeup look I'm gonna have for my photos. I don't know if I wanna get crazy and artsy. Maybe I'll go the opposite extreme and do a dramatic nude face. I think I went overboard with the feather ideas, tho... I'm not gonna wanna deal with all that work.
I think less will be more. Here are some pics I liked...thoughts?

Is it just me...

or is this MJ sand sculpture terrifying?

Look, I know I'm no artist... and I want to remember MJ forever too...just not as a disembodied beach monster.


Please God, make it rain.

Getting on Star King

First off, it's late...so I'm already a little grumpy.

But I am so tired of people asking me how to get on Star King. I didn't mind responding personally to the first handful of inquiries on the topic, but the sheer number of letters I've gotten about it recently is ridiculous. So I must clarify once and for all:

I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO GET ON STAR KING.

Sorry. As I said before, I started making those videos for fun...usually when I had writer's block or had a song stuck in my head. I had no kpop career intentions when I started posting. I did it because I had (have) a sincere love for the kpop-culture and wanted to connect with others sharing my interest. I honestly didn't think anyone would look at my page besides my mom...who can barely start a PC solitaire game on her own. SO basically, I thought it would go unnoticed. Now imagine my surprise (or skepticism, rather) when a producer from the show contacted me via YouTube mail. After exchanging a few emails (until I was sure it was legit), we chatted on the phone and they were basically like "We buy ticket. You come now!"
And literally, within a couple of days, I was on a plane to Seoul. My head was reeling, everything happened so fast.
My point is, I couldn't tell you how to find Star King. They find your ass. Secret Society, Mafia style...trash bag over the head, chloroform in your nose, and BOOM! - you're doin' a soft shoe on stage the next night...probably with Boom. (hehe, see what I did there?)

So relax, do what you do...do it well (i think it helps to be an oddball), and perhaps the Star King clan will catch your scent and emerge from the shadows...

Best of Luck!

exhausted

It's 4am right now. I'm SO friggin' tired....the kinda tired where your stomach starts to ache and the back of your tongue tastes like nickels. I still have one song to finish for this pilot project...i just wanna get the basic structure down and I can flesh it out tomorrow. maybe one more hour then i'll be pretty satisfied. ugh. it's time for vacation already! why is it that the 48 hours before a vacation are like the craziest hi-stress hours EVAR?! i have a ton to do, even after i finish the song. most importantly, packing...and shaving my head bald again (it feels so nice in the sun).
anyway, ill try to keep it together, but for the general public's safety, i'm issuing a Bitch Alert for the next 2 days. You've been warned.

Seanbaby is in the other room playing Magic the Gathering on Xbox...maybe I'll go watch and sip some coffee. Then again, I predict watching a strategy card game between a human and a computer will bore me straight to my pillow.

I'm willing to take that chance. (g'nite)

coffee break - wigmix

It's an identity crisis kinda day. Hence, the wig. I wore this last halloween when Seanbaby and I dressed up as VH1's Chance and Real (from I Love New York & Real Chance at Love).













I like this 2nd picture, cuz I look like a rodeo clown.












Here's Seanbaby's interpretation on "Chance" - notice the kickass belt buckle. I think he looks more like Günther. (One a side note, click that link. Gunther's new song starts with "I'm a pussy." Well, at least he knows.)












Anyway, I'm gonna finish this cup of coffee then get back to work. I'm hoping typing this will strengthen my resolve. In addition, I Will Not Play Infamous or Sims 3 until this song is finished! .....maybe just a round of Civ on the DS. That couldnt hurt, right?

Hello...is this thing on?

So yeah... I need a place to vent. There's lots going on and I seriously need a place to drain the brain fluid. Unfiltered, unedited. I'm hoping by some miracle of destiny my website and original music will be all finished and ready by september. I figure I'd better document my descent into utter insanity thru the process...it may help assist the autopsy reports later. Hmmm...that was a bit morbid. I digress - I just want some place to chat with the people who may give a darn about my ramblings in the meantime and in-between time. Plus, I get bored a lot and I need another reason to NOT get to work. Also, I've received so many nice letters from folks, that I just want to open up a nice casual line of communication with everyone. So that's it for now!